A fictional post by Nathan Chamberland
It’s been 200 days since we’ve eaten meat. All the farms closed sometime last year. We now have to either grow our own food or hunt. But since most of us have never had to kill for food, we’ve decidedly become vegetarians. Ed killed a deer in December and now has PTSD. None of us could eat it after that which was even worse. But then there are the carnivorous ones. We call them the Carnies. They live in the mountains and I think they don’t discriminate with their meals. A month ago Cheryl went to the mountain with 4 rolls of toilet paper to try to make peace with them but she never came back. Last week we got a letter from them saying only, “She was good. Thank you.” So… it’s suspicious. That’s all I’m saying. And if any Carnie is reading this, I’m riddled with worms.
Hoarders are routinely robbed and shamed after quickly being identified because they’re fat.
The American President died last November. But not from the virus (the bastard somehow escaped that). Instead he was shining a laser pointer in each of his own eyes in an attempt to achieve laser vision to better spot rogue reporters from a greater distance. He was subsequently blinded, then tripped on his tie and fell through a diamond-encrusted plate glass window. He looked like ground beef after that. His whole body was mangled except for his hair, which was miraculously untouched. His dead carcass was claimed almost immediately by an unknown group. I’m not naming names or anything but I think it was the Carnies.
I hear echos on the street of two people who copulated in district 4 this afternoon. Apparently they’ve only just met which is, sigh, not good. And very illegal. They’ll be branded as ‘the unclean’ and they’ll most likely be shot in the morning. Lord Barthan has zero tolerance for the unclean. His Lordship often refers to them as “dead meat” when making his daily Speech-from-the-Mount AmaComm™️ broadcasts. But there’s a rumor going around that Lord Barthan had successfully rounded up all the unclean a long time ago and that these newly executed people aren’t even being tested for the virus. I don’t know. I’ve sometimes wondered if he really is a vegetarian after all. But that’s none of my business. Refer to paragraph 4.
The internet has been up and running again for months now. The other lords and their respective factions have agreed to neutral zones where the web servers and power generators reside. Workers there are paid in Lysols and protected by the Zots —which is short for Amazots™️ (Amazon payroll police). Those guys are no joke. Incidentally, Amazon also now owns the mail service, and also the internet… and the suspiciously off-limits hunting grounds frequented by Carnies, and I think the lords, too.
I have to go now. It’s 15 minutes to the daily ‘Something Lottery’ on tonight’s AmaComm™️ broadcast where I have a one in unknown chance of winning… something.
I’d rather something over nothing, if you ask me, and I don’t want to miss my chance at something. I hope it’s toilet paper. I’m sick of spent corn cobs. It better not be that trip everyone always wins every time without fail. Because nobody ever comes back from those and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to talk to my parents through AmaZoom™️ from there.
Anyway… talk soon!
P.S. I think all the children were eaten.